The four letter f-word…

…And by this I mean “fear”. So, I have been feeling fear lately – not terror, not bone-crushing fear – just mild trepidation. Apparently fear comes with uncertainty, and uncertainty is, I hear, a good thing on which we thrive.

I have some misunderstandings about fear, I think, as most of us do. Many believe fear is a bad thing and there should be some way to strive to be fearless, as if enlightenment will bring the lack of fear. I have heard people say that fear is the opposite of love, and if we truly love and are open there won’t be any fear – but I think that is just horseshit – how can a whole feeling be wrong and be made to go away? No…it must be something else. I have thought in the past, though, that fear had to be embraced and welcomed and felt fully or else I was in denial…but that extreme feels like horseshit now too….

There must be a middle ground, where fear is felt as a natural part of growth and expansion, as a natural part of not-knowing and uncertainty…without stigma attached to it, and without fear that the fear will never go away, or will get “worse”… But if fear is nothing to fear, and nothing to “get rid of” — then what to “do” with it? Yes, I know, just feel it…and then what?

My chiropractor told me yesterday to choose which to feed, the fear or the excitement and passion…so I suppose I could do that – and it is the counterintuitive thing for me personally to do…to choose not to feed the what-ifs and the concerns and the pessimistic thoughts, and to choose to feed every little interest and sparkle of excitement and stirring of passion – but heck, it is worth a try…why not? Worrying has not helped me any so far…

I think the counter-intuitive part of this is the crux for me. I have made counter-intuitive choices before that have worked, it is kind of a leap of faith..and here we are back at faith again…

For example: with men — my m.o. in my youth was to be very open and tell everything about myself right off the bat, and be really forthcoming and exposing and show all my faults and struggles, and neediness early on. Well, that was a nightmare – and did not help me create the closeness I wanted. Finally, I tried the approach of holding my cards closer to my vest and being more assertive and less of an doormat…and that worked really well, and helped me draw boundaries and become closer to men, and women too, actually.

So, with fear, how would that work –rather than give into it and entertain it and choose to feed it by worrying and what-if-ing…could I draw boundaries and be more assertive? Treat fear as a being I want to become closer with, but need to set boundaries and limits around? That makes sense…treat fear as I would a person…imagine fear as a lover or a friend and remember that I need to take care of myself and not allow that Mr. F. person to run my life!

Hmmmm… dance with him, entertain him, even learn to enjoy him a little bit – but not get obsessed with him, or let him run my life…I will muse on this some more and see where this takes me…

Into the interior wild…

Watching the movie, Into the Wild, with Rob today – I realize that my journey to the truth of myself is not into the wild, or away from society, or to another country, or something of an adventure of that kind — my journey and the place I feel most free and most happy, my journey into the soul of my self -is domestic.

I am happiest living in a beautiful place with plenty of trees and a good place for brunch on the weekend, and farmers markets. I am happy when I can be home with my cats, and take a long walk in the park, and shop and cook and be with my man, and visit family and a few friends – just live a pleasant life. I am doing exactly what I love most, and I do not want more or different or other. I do not want more money, just enough to afford good food and yoga and other support for my body and soul. Writing this makes me breathe well…

I have been to the wildest interior of me — the internal equivalent of an adventurous man going to Alaska…I have weathered storms, climbed mountains, survived floods, crossed valleys and emerged into a beautiful, calm forest — with a few surprises and hidden caves still to explore, of course.

But I am not looking for anything anymore that I don’t already have…just a way to support myself that won’t take me too far away from the domestic bliss I have created and co-created right here, right now…

“Empty yourself and let the universe fill you”

At the beginning of the week, I had dinner with my sister in law and our cousin – girl’s night. We spoke about our lives, and all the changes we were going through both personally and professionally. At the end of the meal, we shared a cup of tea made by the Yogi tea company. Each teabag had a little saying on it and each saying turned out to be meaningful for the one who received it. Mine was “empty yourself and let the universe fill you”. I tucked it away wanting to muse on it later, and tape it up in my studio space.

Since then, I have been to the funeral of a friend’s father who died of a massive stroke last weekend, visited a new doctor whose office staff and bedside manner left me feeling shaken and worried, and took a bad fall directly onto my kneecap as I was absentmindedly strolling down the street yesterday daydreaming. In other words, a week long brush with mortality. Today I fell asleep directly after lunch – just passed out – and slept in a way that felt like my body was in shock and just needed to take some time to heal. I woke up thinking about the aphorism on my tea bag…

If you had asked me a week ago if I were emptying myself, I would have said yes – but yet I was still running around adhering to a schedule making sure I got in enough yoga classes to feel that I was fulfilling my commitment to be doing yoga for 6 months. And making sure I was being productive and social and could be deserving of my sabbatical, so I could say to myself that I was making the most of my time and being a good time-off taker. And, I have been wanting to be moving toward something — my next income-producing work – my future livelihood. In retrospect, running around and wanting to achieve, I have been setting myself up for a fall…and fall I did, right on the most vulnerable part of my knee.

Now I can’t run around. I am fine – no permanent damage, but I cannot do anything very challenging in yoga – a few stretches, but nothing too stressful to my knee. I need to slow down even more…and do what? I can’t lie in bed all day, can I? I need to be productive don’t I? Why am I not feeling motivated and driven and ready to build something new and start creating my entrepreneurial livelihood? I think the answer lies in the emptying.

I need to find a way to begin to trust nature more than I ever have, to allow myself to rest more than I have in years, to make up for non-stop work for years..to become empty and cleaned out and open…and then let the universe fill me…

Let. Wow. I have not recently let the universe do anything of the kind, at least as far as my work life has been concerned — I have been proactive, searching, working, applying myself. I wonder if I can allow myself to lie even more fallow than I have been? Let myself stop making plans and just allow days and weeks to unfold in their own ways…allow enough space for the universe itself to fill the spaces that need filling. I think part of what I am grappling with here is faith. I am not sure I have faith that if I really do allow myself to be empty and let myself be fallow land that the universe will fill me up. I am not entirely sure the universe will be able to find me – will it remember where I live? Is it like santa claus? I don’t know how any of this works, and I don’t know how much help I am supposed to be giving the universe – some people write letters and lists – would that help? “Dear Universe: please don’t kill me or anyone else I love anytime soon, and please send me a livelihood that inspires me and brings me joy. Please don’t bring me cancer, or a broken knee…please bring me happiness and creativity…love, me”.

About six weeks ago I wrote about lying fallow for the winter and letting Spring bring its newness and blossoming. Can I also allow myself to empty and find out how the universe wants me to be filled? I just involuntarily took a deep breath – I think that means yes. I don’t know how to do this, or how any of this works – but I am willing to be open, and to learn…

A tale of two doctors…receptionists and other medical office staff

The essence of holistic medicine is to consider the whole — the whole experience the patient has in her life, but also, in microcosm, the whole experience the patient has in the doctor’s office from the moment of arrival. And that is also part of public health — the consideration of the well-being of the entire system. We will not be a healthy society until all our systems are healthy and all our systems foster well-being.

I had an experience yesterday that still has me reeling: I had made an appointment with a holistic doctor who came highly recommended. She is a yoga practitioner and is reputed to be really in touch and connected and good…well she may be great, but I was shut down and dis-empowered by my experience with her office staff before I even got to see her and now I really do not feel I can trust her judgment as a doctor…

The office was in a beautiful building in a chic part of town…I walked in the door holding a wet umbrella (no umbrella stand to be seen) and encountered a lone surly young woman behind the desk. She gave me forms to fill out but no pen. I asked for a pen and she gave me one, but also complained aloud that there had been pens, where were they? I was distracted by her looks – she was wearing a button down blouse two sizes too small, barely covering her ample bosom…not a pleasant sight…I tried to make chit chat – she grunted and told me to go sit in the waiting area. What waiting area? There was one chair behind me…was that the waiting area? Where is the waiting area, I asked – Down the hall – she gestured vaguely and went back to her computer terminal…so I wandered down the hall and found the waiting area, found a place for my stuff and started filling out the forms…to make a long story short, in the time between showing up for the appointment and actually seeing the doctor, I was summoned to a room which I was waved toward not shown, actually shouted for from down the hall, interacted with a sour, unsmiling lab tech, experienced one staffer come up to this tech while I was having blood drawn and say bitchy things about another staff member, shouted for some more, not shown where anything was and then finally waved into the doctor’s office.

Once I was in the office, not even her own office but another doc’s with another doc’s diploma and pictures and stuff in it, I was anxious and stressed-out and feeling raw. It did not help that during the actual exam the doctor could not find a piece of equipment she needed and that as I was paying my bill I witnessed more bickering between staff, mediated by a woman who seemed to be the office manager but who was wearing a see-through lacy undershirt…and this is the office of a holistic practitioner, and a very expensive one at that…hmm…makes me wonder about her level of consciousness, and abilities of observation, and makes me not want to go back there again.

We all know that there are some deep problems with our current US health care system. Presidential candidates run on platforms that they will do something about it one way or another — universal health care, HSA’s, enforced insurance sign-up…but here’s the thing – one of the most important factors in the doctor’s office is not the tech, or the insurance, or the office space itself, although these are of course vital elements. The most important, least considered and lowest paid element is the Receptionist. Granted, I was a medical office manager, and a receptionist for many years, so I may be biased, but I also know how important the reception position is to the well being of the office and the patients and the doctor’s practice.

I was once told by an actual brain surgeon that I played a very important role in the office I worked in since everyone who enters a doctor’s office is afraid, and nervous, and I had the opportunity to put them at ease right away. I took that comment to heart, and worked to make sure that each person I interacted with had as good an experience as possible…granted, some people are difficult, but even with those people I often managed to get them to relax and smile somehow. There are little things – a big smile, a hello, a pen at the ready, information about where the water cooler is located, polite chit-chat, or an apology for being distracted if that is the case…not difficult, and so rewarding. But then, I was highly valued, treated well, and paid well by the doctor I worked with for almost 10 years. She and her manager made it a point to show me respect and eventually friendship, and I returned it in spades.

I understand how expensive it is to rent a nice office, and that tech is expensive, and insurance does not reimburse well – but the unfortunate choice many docs make is to therefore scrimp on staff salaries. Often, staff are paid very low wages and then on top of that they are treated poorly by docs who demand the best of people who have minimal training and who really could not care less about the practice since they are not making enough money to induce them to care. So those docs get what they pay for — taciturn, poorly groomed girls who could really care less about anything but their next (meager)paycheck, and who will not be there long anyway because why should they stay?

And to top it off, at this place there were maybe 3 docs and maybe 4 or 5 women behind the front desk. I guarantee that if I had a chance to evaluate the real work needs and flow of that office, that the practice could run fine with half the staff, paid twice as much — that way they could afford some educated, intelligent, caring individuals who would care for the office and the patients and most of all would actually want to be there.

I am thinking of my new chiropractor – he has a very small staff – his girlfriend manages the practice and they hired a young woman to sit at the reception desk twice a week. This receptionist is absolutely charming — her goal in life is not to be a receptionist, she is a dancer, clearly working this office gig to make some cash. But she is lovely, dresses well (by which I mean everything fits and is neat and clean, I am not talking expensive, that is not my point) and most of all, she is nice. Really friendly and warm and helpful. She is a big part of why I feel comfortable in his office and why I want to go back. I look forward to making appointments, in part because I know this young lady will be delightful and helpful and that I will be taken care of and made to feel good being there.

And neither of these two docs takes my insurance…so in both cases I was/am willing to pay out of pocket for quality and for a holistic, alternative medical approach. Because that fits with my philosophy of care and it is worth a little extra green to get really good care and experience an alternative approach. But while I am enjoying going to this chiropractor and am willing to budget my cash so that I can afford his care, I am seriously in doubt as to whether I will be working with this other doctor again. Oh, I need to see her so I can get my test results and then I will probably say or write much of what I have expressed in this blog post to her, or I won’t depending on the vibe, and then I will likely move on.

The bottom line is – the holistic doc gave me some good information, she seems like a decent enough person, I admire her achievements, and in all fairness she gave me an herbal remedy that feels good and which I will use, but in the end, the thought of allowing her to touch my body again is not palatable. How conscious and enlightened could she really be if she chooses to work in such an unconscious, negative and un-enlightened environment? Even more so if she is not even aware of how bad things are in her own office?

First impressions, the aphorism goes, say a lot – and I must say that based on my experience on both sides of the front desk, the receptionist and other basic support staff are the most important thing a doctor can be spending money on. I would rather be in an inexpensive office space with sufficient technical equipment and have a nice person greet me enthusiastically at the door than be in a beautiful office with all the nicest amenities and encounter a cold, uncaring, rude presence.