This Moment To Be Free

I don’t know if this is True – what is truth but memory, or shared and corroborated memory, or experience in the moment which is different for each person. But anyway. This is my truth right now.

Repetitively, as a child, I tried to become myself, and repetitively I failed – or was hindered. I was a child, so I will say, yes, I was hindered — I tried to become myself, and was hindered, thwarted, stopped, prevented from doing so – from being so. From being.

The powers that were, at the time – that is my parents – wanted me to be in ways that suited their own visions and desires and images of who they wanted their daughter to be, who they thought I was, the directions they felt, believed, thought I should develop in — like a trained tree, like a melon in a plastic mold can be trained to grow in the shape of anything the farmer wants – even Mickey Mouse. I saw this at Disneyland.

I am aware that there was no conscious ill will – but I was taught to be other than myself.And then I grew up and was lost and wandered in the desert and attached myself to people who told me what to do, and I did what they said — what they said would make me more myself…but it was the same old habit I had been trained into and that became a habit that I perpetuated — of not being me, or of trying and failing to be fully myself, to be fully realized and born and expressed and to live and blossom and grow – as me.

Because I was a melon in the shape of a mouse head.

And now I am nearly 43. And now I have gotten myself free. And now I am living in a beautiful, ramshackle old apartment with my husband, who is real, and our two cats, who are as real, as constantly genuine, as any beings I have ever met.And I probably will not have a child of my own to screw up and disappoint. But I am walking into the light with my own self – with as much of me as I ever have had with me — as whole and as powerful and as full of love as I ever have been…

So fucked up, so hurt, so pained, so alive…I joined the local community garden yesterday. I have a key – a golden key – brass – to the garden – I can come and go whenever I wish, I can put my hands in the mud. I have a freezer full of compost that I started and the bag is almost full. I no longer have to throw away anything that could be composted -that can become food for living growing plants – food, enrichment for the soil…Can I turn all the wasted time and wasted moments of my own life into food? Can all the organic trash that has been, in a trail, the ground cover of my own life — wasted time and wasted heart and soul and talent — can it become soil? Can it become fertile ground to grow…myself, still? Is it too late to be born in middle life? Can I give birth to myself and raise me – from the dead of Winter into the glory and blossoming beauty of Spring? I want to. That is my dream.

It is the Ares new moon – from this past Saturday until almost ten o’clock tonight – the moon is new and it is time to dream — to wish for what you want and pray to the universe to help you manifest your visions and dreams — I am a neophyte at being myself – I am a neophyte at trying to live my dreams and actually succeeding – at not being blocked, or hindered or prevented in some way, or in blocking hindering or preventing my own self – my own path…I am feeling my way…

and Now — now…

Dear God, dear universe, dearest Ganesh – remover of obstacles, and all the spirits of good, and trees and flowers and cats of all shapes and sizes and elephants of every kind…

What I want is energy and what I want is power and what I want is to follow the stream of love which flows into me and through me and wants to flow out my hands and heart and mouth and body and which is my soul connected to you, the Universe — let me express unhindered – let this year be a year of joy and aliveness and joyful unfolding for me and for my loved one on every level. And let me let myself be free.I want to make things and learn things and express myself through heart and body and create a livelihood from a place of self expression in the world, and help others and bring joy and beauty to others and to myself while I am…living.

Amen