This Moment To Be Free

…is that I need a day, one whole day, a week with nothing to do, no where to go – no requirements at all, no rules no obligations. To anyone. But the cats.

I try to be good on those days – not to sleep all day or read the internet from dawn to dusk, or watch seven movies on tv. I try not to eat to much until I get gassy and feel sick…I try to avoid any and all bad habits,

But, after all this IS my day off – my free day – and as it turns out, this is my day of balance – all the time I have a voice in my head telling me what to do. And that is ok, a lot of the time – but just one day a week i get to listen to the voice in my belly and the voice in my heart exclusively – no thinking, no analyzing – if I make a plan and then don’t feel like doing it, well then, I won’t do it – and even if I feel guilty, on this day, my day of rest, I will do what I feel – and that only.

This is a torch I need to carry from the time of the heart of my sabbatical – it is a place, no matter how busy I get – that I always want to keep coming back to.

“You quickly learn your weaknesses while serving others. The world is like a big mirror – it shows you your ugly spot, your weaknesses. Through service you can learn to recognize your weaknesses and learn to correct them.” -Satchidananda

I recently (about a month ago) began a new job, at the natural apothecary connected with the institute where I have been practicing yoga. I am thinking of the expressions – to find a job, to take a job…but in this case, the job seems to have found me. Or, my inner guru (that voice, guide and teacher I have been listening to this year, the part of me that guided me to take time off and do yoga, has found this job for me!)

So I noticed a sign on the door of the store and applied once and they lost my application but my inner guru kept reminding me of this place, and telling me to go back, so I applied again, and my guiding voice kept sending me back to ask for an interview, and finally after a couple of months of effort I got the job — part time, around 25 hours over three days.

These are very intense days – on my feet for 8 or 9 hours with a half hour break. It has been most exhilarating, enlivening and challenging. And it definitely feels like this most conscious guru part of me chose this position for me, and got me here and now I am experiencing the result — learning so much about nutrition, herbal remedies, ayurveda, vitamins, supplements, body, soul, energy…and having the opportunity to really serve people and be helpful…and I am closer along on the path to becoming the healer I am beginning to feel and know that I am…

The most challenging parts are physical – because it is just taking my middle aged, overweight body a bit of time to adjust to the new activity level I am experiencing. And also, there are what feel like the soul-level challenges — another very knowledgeable, intense person as a boss – and my desire to be liked by him and by others…I do not like this feeling, this desire – I have not felt it in awhile…but my boss is also a pretty nice person, and seems to be very well intentioned and interested in consciousness (even if some part of him maybe likes being a little intimidating, too, or else how could I feel intimidated, no?) and I think this is a great opportunity for me to once again confront these feelings in myself and work with them.

So here I am, being paid to learn and paid to be spiritually challenged and how cool is that? Very. It is nice to have some funds coming in again, although this is the kind of work I would do for free! As Rob pointed out — the money does not matter right now — the point right now is that I am finally having the experience of doing work I like to do.

Last Friday, a free day, it was raining and I was feeling deeply sad, experiencing the sadness of wanting to be liked, and the tiredness, physically, of working, and the happiness of being surprised at how much I do know, and how helpful I can be and also the intensity of the challenge 0f how much I do not yet know and still need to learn …so all of that feeling was swirling around in my heart and the rain was pouring down and all of a sudden I felt the urge to paint. I had not felt this in quite a while – a couple of years at least! So I collaged and painted for four or five hours – something very beautiful and glowy-vibrant for my friend Sue for her new home…

Thus, everything is connected, and all the parts of me are keeping moving and growing and my heart is full…I am so grateful to my husband for supporting me on this journey – I could not be doing all of this without his encouragement and support.And I am grateful to my new boss for hiring me and giving me a chance to learn and serve, and to my cats for being adorable, and to my family and friends and to the beautiful green trees outside the windows…

I don’t know how long this blissed out and wonderful time of my life will last – all is impermanent – and I am acutely aware of the increased suffering and pain going on in our world — but oh my god – I am really happy that I have started listening to my own guiding voice and I am appreciating it deeply!

amen.

I have not written in over a month, in part because I have been more active than in awhile, making and adapting to a shift – which I will get to in another post, soon, and in part because I have not felt I had much to say…as in, what is the point of blogging…but I just now realized that the point is not that this will “go somewhere”, or become a book, or anything more than be what it is — the point is simply to provide my perspective — to add my voice, my experiences and unique way of perceiving and musing, and of expressing myself to the collective — that is what all blogging seems to me to be about — now that we have the internet, we can become more intimate with each other and pipe up each with our own little voice and add to the Great Conversation that is happening here on the ‘net. Everyone can have her or his say and share their experiences.

It was so amazing to log on this morning and see Beth’s comment:“March 8th, 2008 – This is the hardest part, isn’t it? Not the quitting/taking time off, but the trying to figure out what to do next — and knowing that if you are true to yourself, it will be something that won’t let you support yourself in anywhere near the way you’re used to doing. I am in the midst of this as well. It’s a challenge. I’m sending good thoughts your way. whatever happens, I don’t think you will regret these six months. Thanks for sharing them.”

I know the other two women who commented, and Randy is a professional who is on the lookout for writing about work and career – but as far as I can tell, Beth is “just” a person who somehow happened to read my blog — and who is having a similar experience to mine – and expresses the way it is so beautifully and exactly – who finds truth and connection and community in what I am expressing — how beautiful, thanks…and it is true that whatever I find next will likely pay less than what I was doing before, but that is only payment in money – payment in soul currency is a whole different story, as I am learning.